Back Self Help

Common Internet Fallacies
A Beginner's Guide to the Web

     The Internet. For many, a world of information, education, and easily accessible pornography. For others, the Internet is a strange, forbidding place, full of incomprehensible terminology, strange buttons, and frightening pixies. These people want to learn more about the Internet, and cast off their foolish ideas. They, too, wish to learn new things, explore new worlds, and spend hours on end looking at pictures of naked celebrities.

     Why should they be excluded?

     Why indeed. The reason is simple. These people are either too stupid or lazy to get out there an access the Internet on their own. They wait for help, guidance, and books with titles like "The Internet for Brainless Prats" to take them by the hand and lead them through the magical world that is the Internet. Frankly, it's pathetic. If you can't be bothered to go out there and learn to use the Internet yourself, then you deserve to wallow about in a pit of self-induced ignorance, living an information light, porn-free existence.

     "But wait!". you might cry. "That's not fair!" Well, grow up. Still, for those of you who insist on yet another "The Brain-Dead Orangutang's Guide to the Internet" book, I have created this handy file, explaining some of the more common Internet misconceptions.

Misconception: Hackers might break into my computer, and steal my files.

Truth: Hackers are powerless. They can do nothing to you. To prove this fact, I suggest you log on to alt.hackers.death and leave a message taunting these impotent buggers. Go ahead; it's fun, and it teaches them a lesson.

Misconception: Cyber-sex is safe, fun, and relaxing.

Truth: Cyber-sex is not fun. Your partner may claim to be named "Desiree", but chances are, "she" is really a 47 year old truck driver named "Earl", who is clad only in a pair of Y-fronts, holding a twinkie in one hand (you just hope it's the edible kind) and his keyboard in the other. If this is your idea of fun, then perhaps you are better off locked in the basement.

Misconception: The Internet is a great place to meet people.

Truth: Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Real life is a great place to meet people. The Internet is a great place to waste time finding out what Czezina from Poland is wearing under her simple peasant smock.

Misconception: The Internet is the world's largest mall, where you can buy many useful and interesting items.

Truth: The Internet is the world's largest mall, where you can buy some of the most useless crud on the face of the planet, for over-inflated prices. Shopping on the Interent is for those people who actually believe that the picture you see is of the item you will actually receive. (Hint #1 - it doesn't say "Item may not be as shown" just as a clever little joke).

Misconception: If you log on to the Internet, little winged monkies will be dispatched to hunt you down, carve off the top of your head, and eat your brains with tiny purple spoons.

Truth: That one is true.

     There. I hope that clears things up for you. If you found this article extremely patronizing, annoying, and downright bothersome, feel free to complain. All complaints should be sent to:


© 1998 by Garry J. Sled