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Your Normality Quotient
How Normal are YOU?

What is Normal?

     Throughout our history, insecure people everywhere have struggled with certain eternal questions. Does God exist? Is there intelligent life on other planets? What is that smell coming from my fridge? While important, these questions pale in significance next to the eternal, burning question, "Am I normal?". The following quiz is designed to help you determine your NQ (Normality Quotient).

     The quiz is multiple choice. Just track your answers, then score yourself at the end (no fair peeking!). What could be simpler than that? Remember, there are no right or wrong answers. This test will only decide whether you are normal, or a pathetic, twisted individual who will never fit in anywhere, and most likely die alone. No pressure.

The Questions

1.     In the morning, I like to:

A)  Brush my teeth.
B)  Have a shower.
C)  Kick my neighbor's dog.
D)  Eat a tube sock.
E)  Plot the overthrow of our government.

2.     For lunch, I usually:

A)  Bring some sandwiches.
B)  Go to a restaurant.
C)  Throw rocks at old people.
D)  Urinate in public fountains.
E)  Photosynthesize.

3.     While at work, I enjoy:

A)  Doing the best job I can.
B)  Working with friendly people.
C)  Sleeping with my boss.
D)  Sleeping with office furniture.
E)  Using my evil powers to sour cow's milk.

4.     The method of transportation I favour is:

A)  Car.
B)  Bus, subway, or other method of public transportation.
C)  Donkey.
D)  Nude leap-frogging with a friend.
E)  Psuedo-podal locomotion.

5.     I usually shop for groceries at:

A)  A&P.
B)  Zellers.
C)  Other people's trash cans.
D)  4:00 am, while the stores are closed.
E)  The amputated limbs dumpster behind the hospital.

6.     In my spare time, I enjoy:

A)  Building model airplanes.
B)  Knitting sweaters.
C)  Eating sweaters.
D)  Kissing strangers full on the lips.
E)  Searching for hidden Satanic messages in the funny pages.

7.     The following statement best describes my life philosophy:

A)  Live and let live.
B)  Do unto others as you would have done unto yourself.
C)  Nothin' says lovin' like somethin' from the oven.
D)  You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him like it.
E)  The bugs, the bugs, in my brain, in my brain, arrrrgggh.

8.     When a loved one dies, it is customary to:

A)  Grieve at the funeral.
B)  Help the widow/widower through their pain.
C)  As the widow/widower out on a date.
D)  Get dibs on the deceased's good stuff.
E)  Show up at the funeral dressed as a zombie, moaning "Brains...brains…".

9.     A good method for dealing with insomnia is:

A)  Counting sheep.
B)  Drinking a warm glass of milk.
C)  Drinking a warm glass of phlegm.
D)  Going to sleep.
E)  Going to an all-night restaurant, and informing the patrons there that peanut butter and jam is "Satan's sandwich".

10.     Complete the following statement: Children are _______________.

A)  Cute.
B)  Full of energy.
C)  Full of essential vitamins and minerals.
D)  One of God's biggest mistakes.
E)  Expendable in a crisis.

11.     My favorite vegetable is:

A)  Peas.
B)  Carrots.
C)  Iron ore.
D)  James Brady.
E)  Cartoon food.

12.     My favorite charity is:

A)  The United Way.
B)  Amnesty International.
C)  IEFQ (Involuntary Euthanasia for Quebecois).
D)  LBBTBP (Let's Bring Back The Bubonic Plagu
E)  IFTGE (Inuits for the Greenhouse Effect).

13.     Automobiles are:

A)  An effective mode of transportation.
B)  Sexy.
C)  Edible.
D)  Tools of the devil.
E)  Crunchy in milk.

14.     When people compliment me, I:

A)  Blush.
B)  Thank them.
C)  Punch them, right in the eye.
D)  Scream, and run away.
E)  Wet myself.

15.     Complete the following statement: "I think God __________".

A)  Does exist.
B)  Does not exist.
C)  Is kind of cute.
D)  Owes me $19.99 for the lunch we had last week.
E)  Really meant to say "Let there be Spam".

16.     My idea of a romantic date is:

A)  A fine French restaurant.
B)  A picnic in the country.
C)  Clothing optional.
D)  Edible body cream.
E)  A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and a live chicken.

17.     If I could have one wish, it would be for:

A)  Ten million dollars.
B)  World peace.
C)  World peas.
D)  3,000 pairs of edible underwear (Strawberry flavour).
E)  Body hair so thick, you could hide a badger in it.

18.     The smartest person who ever lived was:

A)  Albert Einstein.
B)  Socrates.
C)  Jerry Lewis.
D)  The guy who invented Spandex.
E)  My invisible pal, Herman.

19.     The funniest person who ever lived was:

A)  Robin Williams.
B)  Groucho Marx.
C)  Karl Marx.
D)  Lee Harvey Oswald.
E)  A barnyard chicken named Dave.

20.     I like to spice my food with:

A)  Salt.
B)  Pepper.
C)  A steak.
D)  Sweat.
E)  Wood chips.

21.     Canada is:

A)  The largest country in the world.
B)  A great place to live.
C)  Too big to walk across.
D)  Tasty with cheese sauce.
E)  Disagree.

22.     Einstein was responsible for:

A)  The Theory of Relativity.
B)  Laying the groundwork for a Unified Field Theorem.
C)  The creation of McDonald's Secret Sauce.
D)  Getting at least sixty women pregnant.
E)  Lost or stolen goods.

23.     My favourite type of music is:

A)  Rock and roll.
B)  Country and Western.
C)  Country and Western omelet.
D)  Elevator muzak.
E)  Listening to worms fry on the stove.

24.     A traditional Thanksgiving consists of:

A)  Turkey and stuffing.
B)  Turkey and cranberry sauce.
C)  Ham and cheese sandwiches, and "Wrestlemania XXXIV".
D)  Raping and pillaging small British villages.
E)  Urinating in gravy boats.

25.     The famous explorer, Christopher Columbus:

A)  Discovered America.
B)  Discovered that the Vikings had been there first.
C)  Looked really cute in his tights.
D)  Sailed off the edge of the world, and died.
E)  Was really a woman.

     To score yourself, apply points as per the following table:

A = 1
B = 2
C = 3
D = 4
E = 5

Normality Quotient
Less than 25
Obviously, you are a mental midget, and have trouble following instructions. Apparently, you cannot add. You are very, very abnormal.
You are severely warped. You are not only not normal, but you are deeply strange, and most likely contain damaged DNA. You should never, ever breed.
You are mentally unbalanced, and very probably insane. Seek professional help immediately.
You are barely normal. While you have definite abnormal tendencies, you are capable of hiding them to blend in with normal people.
Congratulations, you are perfectly normal. You can go about your life, secure in the knowledge that you are totally sane.
Wow! You are amazingly normal! You are, quite probably, the peak of human evolution.


© 1998 by Garry J. Sled