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BRE-X Stock Re-opens

     Bre-X Reopens for Trading (Reuters): David McHenry, Chief Commodities Handler for the Toronto Stock Exchange today announced that shares of Bre-X would once again be allowed to trade on the open floor. Stock had earlier been frozen when certain scandals regarding the prospective mining company came to light.

     Among the alleged irregularities in Bre-X practices were the misreporting of potential gold mines, misappropriation of investor funds, and illicit dealing in the lucrative pre-Christmas Tickle Me Elmo trade.

     Trading began this morning with stock selling for cent per share - an incredible drop from four months ago, when stock was valued at over $30 per share. Trading was brisk, with thousands of Bre-X stockholders desperate to unload their stock, at any price.

     The price dropped dramatically as trading took place, until it hit an all time low. The stock value dropped so low as to enter a realm of number theory thought only to be theoretical before today. Mathematicians were amazed when Bre-X prices actually entered non-Euclidean realms. The TSE computers crashed a total of 17 time when trying to deal with these highly improbable numbers.

     After a brisk day of trading, many were shocked when a new anonymous buyer appeared, trying to purchase as much Bre-X stock as he could. In an well orchestrated move, this buyer managed to purchase enough stock to gain purchase controlling interest in Bre-X.

     The new company owner and Chief Executive Officer is one Timmy Cartwright, an eight year old paper boy from Grimsby, Ontario. Young Timmy managed to buy the entire gold-mining company with his allowance, some $3.25.

     According to industry analysts, the majority of people who lost money buying Bre-X stock have established a history of backing poor bets. For instance, the average Bre-X stockholder has, at one time or another, held stock in the following: Beta; Studabaker; the movie "Heaven's Gate"; and a short lived product called "Beer Enema", a combination lager/laxative (their motto was "We're the only beer that goes beyond making you wanna pee").

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© 1998 by Garry J. Sled