Damen Regers, public affairs liaison, today announced a new merger for the Intel Corporation. At a crowded press conference, Mr. Regers said "Intel corporation is proud to announce that they have formed a merger between Intel and Satan." The new company is a combination of the two companies, and is called Inhell.

     The first order of business, according to Mr. Regers, was for the newly formed mega-company to create a new CPU for the 21st century. This chip is called the Inhell Pentacle. "The technology is simple," said Mr. Regers. "Instead of a complicated CPU chip, we have replaced that component with the heart of a living creature."

     According to the literature provided, the more "evolved" the creature in question, the faster the system speed. A squirrel heart would be comparable to a 486 DX 2/66, while in order to simulate a P166 with MMX, you would need the heart of a chimpanzee.

     "Of course, the hearts of unbaptized children really make the system fly," said Mr. Regers.

     The benefit of this is, of course, the fact that users can upgrade their systems on their own. Rather than go to a computer store to purchase an expensive chip, home computer owners need merely get their hands on a new heart. "System a bit slow?" asked Mr. Regers rhetorically. "Just pop outside and kill your neighbor's dog!"

     Upkeep of the new systems will be quite easy, and home users will be able to do most of their own servicing and repair. According to Inhell, upkeep involves stripping naked and dancing in front of your computer terminal once a month. Inhell will be releasing regular monthly infernal chants, for optimal system performance.

     There have been some concerns over software run by the Inhell processor. The new processor is completely unable to run any church or religious related software. On the other hand, many games such as Diablo and Doom actually enjoy increased speed.

     "Naturally, the more infernal the game, the better it will run on an Inhell Pentacle processor," said Mr. Regers. For some reason, Windows 95 seems to run amazingly well on the new systems.